hope doesn't float.... it sucks...

Do you ever wonder why you try? I do… I sent my oldest half brother an email today… My dad sends me forwards all the time and attached is my brother’s email address and since last November at my dad’s wedding, David, my half brother, asked for my phone number and promised to call and take me to lunch in the next few weeks and has never called… I thought I would email him… which is stupid… I know it is stupid… I always think that in my little “happily ever after” world that we all could be a big happy family… He is not going to email me back… I know this and if he does… he will make promises and not follow through…. I am just so frustrated with the part of myself that hopes…. I am not sure that I really like the whole hope stuff… I know I know without hope where would we be…. Without hope… blah blah f*cking blah… but I am talking about hoping in someone… that continuously lets you down… your whole life… someone that cannot help it… hello… it is our dad we share and obviously he takes his cues from him…
You know what is stupid… I sent him that email this morning… and even though my tough exterior would have me tell you that I could not care less if he called or wrote back… that would be a big ole lie… I really actually thought that there would be an email from him when I checked my email this evening… It actually broke my heart a tiny bit… I just cannot help but wonder what I did… I know you will tell me I did not do anything… but I just always feel like I did. I have always wanted a connection with my brothers… all 3 of them… I only have a connection with one… and that one is back and forth…
I will drive myself crazy trying to figure it all out… I will drive myself crazy trying to piece it all together… the how’s the why’s and the what if’s.

my weekend... in a nutshell...

Ok so I had an amazing weekend. I got to spend time with my boys... and got a lot of outside stuff done that I have been wanting to do. Zachary has been wanting to make a "prickly garden" so we did that Friday night...

I think it turned out ok... He is so proud of it...I am hoping that I do not kill it inbetween his weekends... I also got to do some planting myself on Saturday... It was awesome to be outside!!!

Here are some random photos of our new house!!! This is our Backyard... I planted the mums... and did lots of cleaning up of the foliage!!! I also found a part of a rescue hero, a spongebob toy and power ranger.... SCORE!!! Zachary was psyched about that!

This is Brian (who did not expect me to take the pic... ) standing in our (little) back yard... I have so many things I would love to do to this back yard to somehow make it my own little sanctuary but I will have to hold off till we own our own house.... sniff sniff...

This is the tree in front of our house... I love it... I love trees.... It is going to make a great climbing tree... This is the front of our House... I planted a few mums there this weekend also!!

So there is Brian's recent purchase... My (ahem I mean "Our") 67 inch television... Do you know how awesome my Cowboy's look on that while kicking ass??!!!I love frames.... LOVE THEM. I do not think Brian realizes how much I am loving frames... and the pictures that fill them! Zachary's room.... AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST..... drum roll please./..... Brian's room.... and all the geekiness that comes along with it... :)

TGIF

Thank God it is Friday!!! I am so excited to finally be back to a weekend....
It has been a very long week...
I will have Zachary this weekend!!! He wants to make a prickly garden... (aka cactus garden...) so we will go to Lowes in the morning and get that stuff... also I am hoping to get some fallish flowers and make my dirt be prettier by the frint porch... It is as I said in my earlier post the perfect weekend to be outside... it has been mid 80's around these parts.... so I am glad I get to have a nice weather weekend with my boy! I have missed him much this week!

Well not much else to say... for now... HA!

Life....

Well things are getting organized at work and at home... I hate not feeling like I am ahead of the game... it drives me insane. I am one of the most organized people in the world but moving in the same month that school starts back up and having to unpack and organize all my stuff at work is a bit much for even me to deal with.

I feel very good about life lately though... I am very comfortable (for possible the first time) in my position at my job, and I feel very secure and a part of my relationships that matter... Brian and I are doing great! I am spending a lot more quality (although with school back in full swing not quanity) with Zachary.... It is cool cause when I call and talk to him on the phone every night... he actually engages me with questions... no more just yes and no.... he is actually asking stuff and talking to me... it is so cool but it also makes me realize that he is getting so big...

It is funny how life works... the more I am open and honest with those around me the more secure I feel... even though some things I was so insecure or afraid of saying to people but I guess when you open up and say something...or peel back another layer and reveal the "real you" and that person or those people stick around well then I guess it makes sense that you would feel secure.... I had 2 of my nearest and dearest girls over this past Saturday... It was so great to just sit and hang... I know it wasn't the best get together ever but it is so cool to have those friends that you can just be who you are with ... and not worry about having to be s entertaining... It was just awesome to catch up and hang... I called it girls nite plus Brian!!! He is so awesome... except next time he has got to remeber to take some snap shots... which is a great segway to my next subject.... Scrapbooking...
I am proud to say that I am damn near caught up on Zachary's photo books for me and the ex....
I am at least to the beginning of 2006... which is really good considering about a year ago I was still in 2001.... I am loving having the space and all in the new place to actually get to do it!!! Maybe I will show off some of my pages in a future post!

nothing much to say!

This is my favorite weather... it could be cooler... but I love that I can have the windows open...
Last night while screaming at the tv (Cowboys were playing) I loved the weather... I had pajama pants and a tank top on and kept thinking... my feet are cold... It was awesome to feel that in September.... I love leaving my house in the morning with the chill in the air... ya know? It has also been awesome to see the moon at 5:45 am (that is a pic of it from my carport... it is with my camera on my phone... ) We have had a full moon the past few days... I love it until I get to work and realize the effect the moon has on the kids.... Ugh...
I am really not wanting to go back to work this afternoon... I would much rather stay home and chill.... of course that is not going to happen cause I have to go to work and do my job... which I actually love. One of my group leaders is really driving me crazy but he was sick yesterday and I am kinda hoping he is again today... ( I know I know...)

I have had a rather blah day... I wanna just put on my p.j.s and cuddle up on the couch and watch movies all day.... but I must go and get to work....

Remember?

So today is 9/11. It makes me think back as many of you to that day in 2001. Where I was... what I was doing... how it felt to watch my country be attacked. As I was thinking about all of this last night and today I thought about how awesome it was in the days after the attack that people were more friendly (in my experience) and took time to stop and talk. I was a sales associate at a womens clothing store part time back then and I remember how nice it was to have actual conversations with people... or to hear their story... It felt like I was living in a Leave it to Beaver community or something from the 50's when people knew people... I miss that. It is not like that much anymore... It saddens me.

oh just because you are so curious...

Ok so I have not blogged in quite sometime... but it is not because I have had nothing to say... it is for lack of time. I feel as though I am always on the go. I have 2 staff at my site this school year because we have such high number of enrollments this year... yea me!!!
My son is now an official 3rd grader.... ugh and he turned 8 at the end of July... Geez where does the time go??? Seriously... Here is a picture of my goofy son... with me... I am not sure where he gets his goofiness from... hmmmm


Anyways, I cannot believe it is already September... Where in the hell did August go? I guess it was really full... Brian and I moved into our 3 bedroom duplex.... So we have our bedroom and Zachary (my son) has his own room and bed and all and then there is the office/ 40k titan room... no seriously... and then my scrapbook stuff is in there somewhere... LOL... It is cool to watch Brian build this thing that I have no clue about... LOL it is fun. I went to Games workshop with him on Saturday and he won a raffle... I am sure it is all due to me... :)

Then my grandma turned 80 at the end of August... She is my rock... truly an amazing woman. I sometimes wish that I did not have to work and I could take care of her full time... but I have to work.. She is so awesome... I love her so much... I do try and see her as often as I can.... at least a few times a week... We threw her birthday party in her hometown of Vernon, Tx and 61 attended... she was very shocked... I was not... It was a good day for her!!!

Oh and Brian and I went for our big vacation to St. Simon Island, Ga... Oh that was nice... it was a good get away!!! Here we are hangin out in a bar (my first official bar... I know shocking... )


Also my brother and sister in law had their 2nd child in August.... Their first son... my brothers namesake... Jr...
Well I know that is not a lot of info but ya know... It is what it is...