hope doesn't float.... it sucks...

Do you ever wonder why you try? I do… I sent my oldest half brother an email today… My dad sends me forwards all the time and attached is my brother’s email address and since last November at my dad’s wedding, David, my half brother, asked for my phone number and promised to call and take me to lunch in the next few weeks and has never called… I thought I would email him… which is stupid… I know it is stupid… I always think that in my little “happily ever after” world that we all could be a big happy family… He is not going to email me back… I know this and if he does… he will make promises and not follow through…. I am just so frustrated with the part of myself that hopes…. I am not sure that I really like the whole hope stuff… I know I know without hope where would we be…. Without hope… blah blah f*cking blah… but I am talking about hoping in someone… that continuously lets you down… your whole life… someone that cannot help it… hello… it is our dad we share and obviously he takes his cues from him…
You know what is stupid… I sent him that email this morning… and even though my tough exterior would have me tell you that I could not care less if he called or wrote back… that would be a big ole lie… I really actually thought that there would be an email from him when I checked my email this evening… It actually broke my heart a tiny bit… I just cannot help but wonder what I did… I know you will tell me I did not do anything… but I just always feel like I did. I have always wanted a connection with my brothers… all 3 of them… I only have a connection with one… and that one is back and forth…
I will drive myself crazy trying to figure it all out… I will drive myself crazy trying to piece it all together… the how’s the why’s and the what if’s.